1. The patriarchy
- Need I say more?
2. Our bodies constantly changing
Why do they change so much, you ask?
- Well, to name a few: Hormones and babies and aging and the time of year and your zodiac sign and the moon cycle and the weather outside and whether or not Punxsutawney Phil saw his GODDAMN shadow?!
- The chemical compositions of our bodies are always changing and we’re always desperately trying to keep up with diet, exercise, night creams, face masks, etc. It’s exhausting.
3. Society’s standard of what our bodies “should” look like constantly changing
- Am I supposed to be a pencil? Am I supposed to have Nicki Minaj curves? WHAT IS THE DEAL HERE?!
- Society has a tendency to cycle between fat shaming and skinny shaming and it’s SO much fun for all of us! Gotta make sure we don’t leave anyone out!
4. Birth control
- To anyone who says, “What’s the big deal, don’t you just take a pill every day?” LISTEN UP.
- First of all, do you know how hard it is to remember to take that crap EVERY DAY of your LIFE? And if you MISS it you could bring a HUMAN BEING onto the planet?
- Birth control isn’t just taking a pill. It’s getting acne. It’s getting mood swings. It’s the possibility of getting all types of crazy cancers. It’s expensive. It’s shutting down a natural process in our body. It costs money. IT’S NOT FUN.
5. Men leaving the toilet seat up
- This doesn’t take much explaining, but if you don’t understand please go to your nearest toilet facility and take a look at the rim of the toilet. It’s disgusting.
- I have a question, how do men have “bad aim?” The desired target is within three feet of you, why is this so difficult?
- Perhaps this is a course they should take during adolescence? Kind of like how in P.E. we have to learn tennis or golf? Why not make “aim practice” every boys’ 5th period class?
6. Any part of the menstrual cycle, for example:
- Cramps: The existence of cramps is the only evidence I can find that God is indeed a man.
- If you have never had the honor of experiencing cramps, the best way I can explain it is: it feels like gravity has superseded the anatomical structure of your body and is pulling your uterus towards the core of the earth.
- No. This is not an exaggeration
- PMS: People need to understand, being around someone who is PMS’ing is just as horrible for the person who is PMS’ing.
- It’s also sort of confusing. Sometimes it feels like you want to rip off everyone’s faces, but sometimes you would really like someone to swaddle you in adult-sized swaddle cloth. Sometimes, you feel both of those emotions concurrently!
7. Yeast infections
- Ask any woman and she will tell you there is nothing more glamorous than a yeast infection. Promise!
- I’m pretty sure men don’t have to worry about the pH of their private parts.
- Yeast infections are especially common after you take anti-biotics, which is perfect, because the only thing I want after fighting off the common cold is a yeast infection!
8. Having to work out ten times harder and eat ten times less than men to achieve the same look as a man
- Ladies, just imagine a world where you are naturally born with a propensity to build muscles. You have chemicals (what up, testosterone) INHERENTLY in your body that create muscles. You are created with the intention of building muscle.
- My husband treats eating like it’s a sport. Like, its fun for him. He can eat a fat ass burger and feel great. I’m over here nibbling at my quinoa vegetable bowl wondering if it’s going to my ass and not my love handles.
I feel better, don’t you?